“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
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Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”