Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

same bro

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.