Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo