Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
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have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
