Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Mad Max: Furry Road

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture