why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
prepare for carbonated trouble
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.