Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
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I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
How animals would run if they were human
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.