Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
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My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
