Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
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My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Running your mouth is not cardio.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.