“Why you watching this shit?”
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Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
They did not miss in the small print
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?