“Why you watching this shit?”
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.