“Why you watching this shit?”
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Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol