Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
