Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.