Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.