Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
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My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.