Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
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4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
@ candidates for local office
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”