Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
You Might Also Like
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
figuring out my emotional availability:
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts