Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.