Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
yeah 😭
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
adding to the discourse
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.