Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
at ease…shoulder.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath