Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice