#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
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Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
this year felt like being awake during surgery
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
