Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

i prefer mine room temperature.

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz!

[30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

My typo game is string.

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.