Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Worst bar ever.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
