Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
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me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Yup
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.