Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?