Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot