Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
The pen is writier than the sword.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off