Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Seek kebab; not attention

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear