Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
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Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
my dog when i have a friend over
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I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.