Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
sweet dreams💖
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.