Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??