Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter