Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Need this in my life lol
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.