Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,