Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
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Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
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Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.