Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
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tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
😅🤣😂
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate