Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

My birthstone is kidney

Butt weight. There’s more!

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.