Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS