Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
You Might Also Like
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.