Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

I feel this so hard

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses