Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”