Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

where the womens at?

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho