Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

feetloaf

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.