Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.