Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

I love it all

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets