Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

This meeting could have been a cake

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Mornin. * use accordingly

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.