Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
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Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”