Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
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[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate