Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

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[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal