Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
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News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
no one ever comes back
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
181.
Look at this
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…