wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
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*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”