wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
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Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.