wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
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Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self