Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
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oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Catercrombie & Fish
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.