Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

“Huge”.

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun