Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.