Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….