Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
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You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
mumsnet is amazing
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
oppen heimer style lol
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.