Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
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Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
due date
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
TODAY
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
