Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
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CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
How does one answer this?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain