Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
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My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine