Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
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I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news