Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Potatoes were such a good idea

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no