wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
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Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
🗽
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Time heals everything 🙂
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Poetry is my passion
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.