Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

thanks auntie mary

live long and prosper!

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

❤️🦆

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Rich people don’t understand cereal

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Um … Hot Wings please

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?