Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.