Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
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instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I support this random dude and all his protests
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
good morning
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I feel it
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
