Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.