Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

The Sun

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*