Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.