looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
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This classic never gets old . . .
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
How I like cutting carbs
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print