Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
それは草
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah