Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Anarchy
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I know this now 😂
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.