Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

January has been Januweary

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

me hooking up with my ex

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.